Not caring about football: a Massachusetts resident guide to getting by on Superbowl Sunday.
I don’t care about football (NFL). I don’t watch it and I’ve never taken the time to understand how the game works. Don’t ask me to explain what a “down” means because I simply do not know.
That’s a difficult thing, not caring about the Patriots, because my entire family are huge Pats fans. Actually my entire state is. Actually my entire region of New England are obsessed with football. It’s. Everywhere. I look at the Boston Globe: there’s some dramatic headline on the front page about the game today. I go to Starbucks: everyone is wearing a jersey. It’s nauseating.
Madonna is the half time show. Give me a break. I only watch it for the half time show! Bruce and the E Street Band really rocked it a few years ago and I was nine when Janet Jackson’s boob fell out of her outfit. But now there’s pretentious Madonna who is going to walk around the stage in some leotard. Wonderful. Can’t wait.
Everybody I encounter talks to me about the game and I have to resist the urge to shout “I DON’T CARE!” So instead I just pretend to be really into it. For example, I was babysitting Friday night and when the dad came home we were chatting and he asks me if I’m watching the game Sunday. I laugh and reply “Psh, of course! Hope they win!” and walk out the door awkwardly. My aunt called the next day and instead of saying hello she says “GO PATS!” at first I didn’t know who it was because the caller ID didn’t say. So I said “Hello?” again and she again yelled “GOOOOO PATS!” “HAHAH” I laughed. “Hey, Aunt Helen.” “You ready for Sunday?” “YEAH! Pats are gonna rock the house!” Yes, I really did say that.
Tip: It’s better to fake your way through it. Pretend you know what you’re talking about. Even pretend to know what’s happening in the game. If I ever sit down with my family during a game I like to be obnoxious. Example: “Oh man! Can you believe that? What a play. He’s brilliant. That guy. You know what guy I’m talking about.
Throw in some random facts too to make yourself look educated.
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Example:
Person: It’s gonna be a tight game.
Me: Yeah, I hope Gronk will be ready to play.
Person: Me too!
*FRIENDS!*
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I don’t know who Gronk is. I only know his name because my local news channel keeps talking about Gronk and his ankle and if he’ll be ready to play on Sunday.
In conclusion, let me tell you this. You will survive this day. Just bring a book downstairs during the game, or your laptop. There’s good food around during these events so stuff your face with chip and dip and drink as much soda as you can to numb your complete and utter boredom.
Good luck, my friends.
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